^^ Home with my beloved pup, when I was supposed to be on my honeymoon
I said a little prayer before starting off this post. I never intended to publicly share my story about my broken engagement, a wedding called off three weeks before the wedding. I especially didn’t think I’d feel compelled to write about it after watching the season finale of The Bachelor – a show I never watch and actually voiced how much I couldn’t handle “crying girls, and self-induced drama” – just ask any of my girlfriends haha!
But tonight the desire to see my friends won, and while I knew the drama that was about to unfold thanks to one of my best friends who is a die-hard Bachelor fan, I did not anticipate that while watching the breakup engagement of Arie and Becca, that I would be narrating Becca’s feelings, and possible thoughts and emotions to my couch buddies – I was the same age as her when my engagement was called off. I remember how I felt when I heard the words, “I unchoose you,” as the room began to spin around me.
I did not anticipate that while watching the breakup engagement of Arie and Becca, that I would be narrating Becca’s thought process and emotions – I was the same age as her when my engagement was called off, remembering how I felt when I heard the words, “I unchoose you,” as the room began to spin around me.
My heart broke for Becca as I watched the breakup talk unfold before my eyes and after the three hours, I turned to my girlfriends and said, “I really feel like I need to finally talk about my story.” I have been wanting to write about my broken engagement but never felt compelled to because I’m so far removed from the emotions, but also not wanting to open up Pandora’s box unnecessarily.
But what if finally sharing it could heal? That’s all I want. That is the entire point of this post. And with my husband’s blessing and the encouragement of my friends, here we go.
What do you do when your engagement is called off? What is it like to heal properly? How do you heal, forgive, handle the broken heart and how do you move on? How did I move on happily married now?
Maybe your wondering what you can do or say to a girlfriend who is going through a broken engagement. How do you help her?
What do you do when your engagement is called off? What is it like to heal properly? How do you heal, forgive, handle the broken heart and how do you move on? How did I move on happily married now for six years?
It was October 30, I remember because the next night was Halloween. He came over and I had just come out of the shower, thick glasses on, and ready to finalize wedding plans which was three weeks away. Then he said it. He couldn’t do it any longer. After on and off again for two years and his cries to come begging and saying he was ready to get married, there he was again, leaving me, again, like clock work, three weeks out. Obviously deposits were nonrefundable. Time and emotions were nonrefundable – nothing was refundable at this point. After questioning why he came back at all claiming it was God who told him to marry me, he changed his mind and said he believed marriage was a choice and responded with, “I unchoose you.” And at that very moment, I felt like I blacked out. I may have begged him to stay, to change his mind, but I forgot if I actually did because deep down I knew what he said to me was permanent, unchangeable, I could never and would never shake them from my mind. A few words were exchanged from how he’d probably regret his decision for the rest of his life, to him telling me, “I love you” as he walked out the door out of my life.
I was lifeless for months after. A complete zombie trying to survive. Every day after felt like I was living a double life. I was physically at work when I should have been in Palm Springs. I was at my friend’s apartment when I should have been walking down the aisle. I was home for Thanksgiving when I was supposed to be in Fiji. And so on – but once the calendar passed the the planned days together – the day we’d return from the honeymoon, my life felt like it was mine again. But it took a village to get me there, to help me heal and forgive.
How to heal from a broken engagement
It’s unlike any other breakup on any level – you really did love that person you said yes you would marry them. You had dreams and had visions that lasted to the end of your days – there was a promise made they would be secure, a wedding was scheduled. There was a dress to wear, songs to be played and a honeymoon to discover. When your wedding is called off, every day leading to those important days are confusing. You feel like you’re in a daze, denial. It doesn’t seem real, it’s humiliating, you feel abandoned.
- You feel disappointed in yourself as if you made the wrong decision, you should have seen it coming but you didn’t. The pain will literally bring you down to your knees.
- You feel like you are living a double life, the wrong life. But life goes on, and the path you are going down will be beautiful you can’t even imagine but have faith. If I survived and found my happy ending, you will too.
- I had to get real. The burning words, “I unchoose you,” meant he had time to decide and move on sooner than I did. When I heard those words I thought, well then, I unchoose you back. And I had to teach my heart that love is a choice and that I had to detach my heart from that person. It wasn’t easy especially since I pour my heart and soul into everything and every one, but I knew what I had to do.
- The mornings were the worst. I applauded myself when I got into bed that I survived another day, and waking up in the morning was discouraging realizing I had to triumph through another full day – until one day, it didn’t feel like survival any longer and with each morning came new curiosities and hope.
- Be inspired by other married couples. I always noticed when a man had a wedding ring. Especially when I’d be sitting on a plane watching people find their seat. I would think, He made a commitment, he didn’t chicken out and change his mind. There are men who can commit. He decided he couldn’t live a day without his wife and married her, I want to find a man who will love me like that! I also became a wedding photographer six months later. I loved weddings and my heart found hope through witnessing couples on their day say forever – it encouraged me that one day, I would find it and my clients helped me heal by sharing their special day and moments with me.
Please remember it is far better that a man knows that he cannot marry you on this side of the wedding than after and he leaves. While you can rightfully feel angry and sad, there is so much to be thankful for when a man can acknowledge that he cannot, rather than change his mind later. You do not want to drag a man down the aisle. If you can find the silver lining in that, it may help with perspective – in time.
Please remember it is far better that a man knows that he cannot marry you on this side of the wedding than after and he leaves.
Also remember people are watching and your story, healing of hope, can bring comfort to others one day. I had four women reach out to me who went through breakups and wanted to know how I got through it. Coffee meetings, phone calls, prayers, it was an honor to share how I healed and how God helped me through it.
Here are the different ways I was able to heal and things that provided me comfort:
- Get a massage(s). Touch is healing. I once almost cried when a massage started, my throat had a frog in it and tears nearly filled my eyes. A massage felt like a hug. I just needed to feel embraced, loved and the power of touch is truly healing.
- Have a photoshoot. I had booked a makeup artist who was also a talented photographer and since we had the deposit already paid he suggested we finished with a photoshoot instead. He wanted to lift my spirits and it really did. It made me feel beautiful and I had a new Facebook profile photo that made me feel gorgeous. Thank you Michael Franco. (Old photos, tiny brows haha)
- Write it out. I had a diary that I started to write in again – actually I wrote in it a lot during that relationship (so much drama), and I continued to write, my writing turned from bashing the relationship to praising God and asking him to forgive and heal my heart and free me from the emotions I was feeling.
- Seek counseling. I wanted to heal the correct way, not the fastest way so I sought biblical counseling to make sure I forgave correctly. Forgiveness is an ongoing process, but doing so releases so much anger and sadness. Put yourself first and seek counseling so you can be a better person and heal right for your future husband and self.
- Seek God. Know what you believe in – do you believe God is in control? That He loves you and cares for you? Then trust that he allowed this to happen for a reason you will never know, or perhaps one day know. If you have faith then show the world, show all all of mankind the strength of your faith and get up and worship the Lord. If David can praise God after the death of his baby, you can get up and worship the Lord.
- Get up and show up. Two days later I had to co-host a baby shower. I did it. I got up and after I cried upon arrival, then I took a shower at my friends place and got dressed and put on a smile and celebrated her. I removed myself and put my situation outside of myself and put my friend first.
- Think with your brain and not your heart. Without getting into too many unnecessary personal details, find your strength – especially if legal documents are being mailed, threats are being made that may need to be used in court. Stand your ground. Be in control, pause before answering if at all, and think wisely with your head and not your emotions. If finances are involved, seek counsel and do not act compulsively.
- Be kind to yourself. So one guy decided he didn’t want to marry you. Not all is loss, it’s just one man’s opinion that you aren’t a fit for him. Well if he decided you weren’t a fit for him, then he isn’t fit for you! You will find there will be more suitors and a husband who cannot live a day without you – that’s the man you want to be with. Look at yourself in the mirror and know you are a treasure and have a lot to offer and don’t let any unkind thoughts enter your mind. You are a precious child of God. There is nothing wrong with you.
- Go shopping. Screw saving for that wedding. It’s done. Go shopping and buy the date clothes, the sunglasses, the jewelry – you spend it on yourself and worry about the rest later.
- Write a letter to your future husband. I wrote a letter to my future husband when I was 21 and waiting to meet him. I almost gave that letter to the wrong person! I thankfully secured it and kept it. But I wrote an updated letter at age 27. If you haven’t written one yet, why not? Tell him how you are feeling and how excited you are to meet him and all the things you know about him. It will give you hope.
- Immerse yourself into a hobby. I turned my hobby of photography into a businesses. I poured my time and passion into this hobby which eventually became my full-time job.
- Don’t avoid those “special” places. Your table, that restaurant, that concert, those spots with memories – do not avoid them. GO again go back with your friends and make new memories – order that special appetizer, sing to that artist. Claim those spots as your own and eventually those memories will override the former ones.
Remember – That night that he broke up with you, was the best night of your future husband’s life.
How you can help a friend going through a broken engagement
I would have perished if not for my girlfriends. Your presence is so important during this time, you can help your friend to survive and your love and presence is a beautiful, wonderful, priceless gift that will assist with the healing process for your friend.
- Say something encouraging. I will never forget the words Kim said to me in her office. “That night that he broke up with you, was the best night of your future husband’s life.”
- Bring food. I went down to under 100lbs and I’m 5’8″ I just couldn’t eat, I couldn’t feel anything, not even hunger. Drop off groceries, make sure she eats, drop off meals, or just sit with her and make sure she eats. Jackie came and grocery shopped for me from what she remembered I had in my fridge. Roxanne dropped off a smoothie at my door. Michelle filled my freezer with ready made food she prepared.
- Keep her busy. Never let your girlfriends be by themselves too long. She’ll over think and get sad.
- Give her self-help books – or devotionals. Devotionals are great, especially if she is spiritual, then a dedicated one will help. So will typical self-help books or workbooks. Jackie went to the bookstore and bought a lot of hardcovers about relationships and highlighted them – the parts I needed to read, not the entire book – she read them for me! Share your favorite parts, highlights, used books are fine if they helped you. They can also be books that help her escape reality. I once got lost in the Twilight series.
- Check in with her, every few hours, every single day and be obsessive about it. Don’t just text. Call. Force yourself upon her too. Show up, tell her you are coming over. Ask her what she is doing. Never let her spend any holiday or important day by herself not even Valentine’s Day.
- Drop off presents at her door.
- Take her out to lunch. To talk, to not talk. No, to talk. To be with her and to just be present.
- Spend the night with her on the important days so she’s not alone. The big day that should have been, the honeymoon day, the whatever day of importance. Spend the night.
- Pray for her. With her, and when you aren’t with her. Tell her you are praying for her even when months or years pass she may look like she’s move on but she could still be hurting, or sad.
- Step in. If she has obligations it might be best to help her complete them. I was maid of honor and a fellow bridesmaid helped run most of the events because I was in a daze dealing with continued drama and it was so helpful for her to know I was in a strange space in my mind. She wasn’t even a friend of mine but stepped in to help celebrate our friend, I was so grateful.
My amazing girlfriends
I had a bridal shower, we were just weeks away. My mother flew in from California and met my girlfriends – she told them, she worried about me being in another state but after meeting my friends she realized I was going to be OK and well taken care of. She was right – because they were there a few weeks later picking up the pieces.
Meagan came over that night actually crossing paths with him before he left for good. Jennifer took over and supervised me the next afternoon to next day cleaning my room and I stayed the night with her. I called Sommer the next night one I realized it was really happening to share the news to the other girls, she was the strongest one to repeat the news 7 times to our group of girlfriends. I fell asleep to Nicole talking to me as I took a sleeping pill to numb my mind and drift off to sleep. My little sis Ariel drove up to see me and spend the night with me until Jackie could drive out from California to spend the week with me filling my fridge, buying books and reading them for me and highlighting only the parts I needed to read. Rachelle stayed the night with me, the night before the big day and I went to church that Sunday morning to worship and spent “that day” with my girlfriends Brenna, Nicole, Sommer, Jennifer, and Rachelle together making THAT day, OUR day. I ended the “would have been night” with girlfriends Jennifer, Meagan, Michelle and Jen who prayed with me. I prayed for myself, and my ex, then I got into bed and spent the rest of the night praising God and writing my future husband an updated letter, a, phew, that was close letter but I know you’re out there. In between there were visits, Laura sent me a necklace for strength, cards of encouragement came in from high school friends, groups of girls from bible studies praying for me, encouraged me and together, all these wonderful women ones I didn’t name, close and far – they all helped me heal.
^^ Dropped off at my doorstep
I list these things which seem so crazy that I would remember after all this time – but it was impactful – not the broken engagement – it was the impact of my girlfriends stepping in like the sisters they are to me that are engrained in my heart. That’s what stands out above this entire situation. That situation occurred and the result were my friends who reacted in the most beautiful, wonderful loving way. They told me their hearts were broken and they felt like they all went through it – ask any of them and they would tell you how they hurt too, such true friends.
Conclusion of Gratitude Post Broken Engagement
I am so grateful for what happened. At the time it felt like my world was crashing down but over the months, I healed. Forgiveness took time, for things that were done over time and I had to forgive when it wasn’t asked (I never spoke to him again, he never said he was sorry). That was difficult but as the months rolled on I laughed again, had the time of my life and was me again.
I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that broken engagement, the harsh words of being told you’ve been unchosen, or the drama that continued even after all was said and done. Life is perfect, today with my friends and my husband I am the best version of me. I wouldn’t have become a photographer, or a blogger, I would not have experiences of traveling the world or being here at this very moment connecting with you over this small sliver in my life that changed the course of my life – to where I am now.
For years I hated the broken engagement was part of my testimony, a permanent part of my written story of my life. I hated that, I really struggled. But my situation brought hope to others over the years and if you get to know me, I believe I exist to encourage. My friends saw me rise above the ashes and without this event happening, I wouldn’t know the strength of love my friends had for me, or the opportunities to share the good news of hope and healing. For years I had the story about how photography brought healing to me during that time in my life, on my blog’s “about me” page, even after I was married. Then eventually, the story stopped being a part of who I was, and I deleted it. Though it happened, it no longer shaped who I was because as the years went on my husband, friends, family, travels and career, this life now became shaped by them. Maybe that’s why I feel like this is the perfect time to write about it.
Do I think Arie is a scum bag for calling off the engagement? No. Crazy right? He’s free to change his mind and of course it’s best he did instead of staying with Becca and leaving her after being married or being unfaithful. It’s horrible what happened, I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience “that talk” it’s painful, my heart breaks for Becca. I wish I could hug her and tell her it will be OK. Arie made a mistake, it’s rotten and I wish he didn’t do that because it affected so many people and resulted in broken hearts but in the end, you want a man to be fully committed and if he can’t, he can’t and he should say it before it’s too late. We all make mistakes and judgement mistakes, and sometimes that mistake when it’s being corrected, even if it hurts us, that decision can adjust our path to a much better direction.
Finding our happy ending or knowing “why” will take time. I met Mr. Wonderful a year and a half later (and married 6 months after meeting). I remember watching him from the cabin in Sedona as our wedding photographer took his portraits before our first look. That moment will forever be in my mind, my heart burst out of my chest and my eyes filled with tears and I said to myself – This is the man, that’s him! This is your husband who can’t live a day without you who showed up and wants it to be forever! The love I had for him and the emotions I felt that moment reminded me of how God knew this day was coming all along – and the snow, the falling snow made me feel like God gave me that beautiful day. My businesses took off and I prospered in so many ways with riches in friendship and creativity and freedom! It all worked out in the most perfect way – my husband is truly who I was meant to be with and searching for my entire life and had I known he was waiting for me, along with this career, these friends, this church, and the life experiences I’ve had, I would hugged myself and said there, there, right around the corner a better life and love awaits. Just be patient.
And like my friend Kim told me, “That night that he broke up with you, was the best night of your future husband’s life.” Mine too.
If you need to talk to someone, please feel free to email me diana(at)dianaelizabeth.com. xx