How to help a friend going through a broken engagement, breakup, or loss of a loved one.

*This old blog post was drafted but has been asked to be republished*

I would have perished if not for my girlfriends during one of the hardest breakups of my life – a wedding called off three weeks before the wedding date, a broken engagement (this post went viral and I thought I would share how I survived thanks to my God and my friends). I was constantly surrounded by friends and I wanted to share tips on how you can be a supportive friend to a friend going through a breakup.

As a friend, your presence and support is so important during this broken time, you can help your friend to survive and your love and presence is a beautiful, wonderful, priceless gift that will assist with the healing process for your friend.

1. Say something encouraging. I will never forget the words Kim said to me in her office. “That night that he broke up with you, was the best night of your future husband’s life.”
2. Bring food. Drop off groceries, make sure she eats, drop off meals, or just sit with her and make sure she eats. Grocery shop for her, drop off a smoothie at the door. Fill her freezer with ready made food. Food is always a good idea when someone goes through trauma or loss – remember this when there’s a loss of a loved one too, like death. Ask, “Can I send (or bring it yourself) dinner tonight/Friday/this weekend?” 
3. Keep her busy, so go over there. Never let your girlfriends be by themselves too long. She’ll over think and get sad.
4. Give her self-help books – or devotionals. Shameless plug, but send her In Repair: A Guide to Healing from a Broken Engagement. It will help, see the reviews. Devotionals are great, especially if she is spiritual, then a dedicated one will help. So will typical self-help books or workbooks. Books that you enjoy and if she likes to read can help her escape reality. I once got lost in the Twilight series.
5. Check in with her, every few hours, every single day and be obsessive about it. Don’t just text. Call. Force yourself upon her too. Show up, tell her you are coming over. Ask her what she is doing. Never let her spend any holiday or important day by herself not even Valentine’s Day.
6. Drop off presents at her door.
7. Take her out to lunch or sit with her in her grief. To talk, to not talk. To be with her and to just be present.
8. Spend the night with her on the important days so she’s not alone. The big day that should have been, the honeymoon day, the whatever day of importance. Spend the night.
9. Pray for her. With her, and when you aren’t with her. Tell her you are praying for her even when months or years pass she may look like she’s move on but she could still be hurting, or sad.
10. Step in. If she has obligations it might be best to help her complete them. I was maid of honor and a fellow bridesmaid helped run most of the events because I was in a daze dealing with continued drama and it was so helpful for her to know I was in a strange space in my mind. She wasn’t even a friend of mine but stepped in to help celebrate our friend, I was so grateful.
11. Be specific with your help. Instead of saying the blanket, “Let me know if you need anything,” say, “Do you have dinner plans, can we go to dinner? What night this week works for you? Want to go to lunch? Can I drop by and watch a movie with you?” No one will reach out with something specific so they can either say yes or no, and not have to come up with the idea of help, because your friend won’t.
12. Just do it -initiate. You can always just drop things off or leave if there are too many people or she’s busy. If she is dealing with death of a loved one, you can ask her significant other, family member or whoever lives with her if there’s a way to communicate with her. 

If you think you might be too busy (but are we really too busy for friends who are hurting??) or perhaps worried you might forget to check in, just put it in your calendar or an alarm set to check in on your friend every morning, every few hours.

If you have a group, make sure you include everyone in the group and ask the person how they are doing. This makes the hurting person at the top of everyone’s mind and a team effort to get them talking and supporting.

You’re such a great friend for even reading this post! xx

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