As posted on Instagram last week:
Hi. I’ve been quiet here because my dad, Marvin, unexpectedly passed away and I needed time to privately grieve the hardest loss of my life. He was 75 when God called him home.
Over the years, I’ve shared many glimpses of my parents, and while I wasn’t sure if I would share this sad part because I usually share parties and gardening tips, I’ve know experiences even the hard ones, can connect us. I know many of you have walked through deep loss too, and you understand this heartbreak and all that comes with it.
I will be posting occasionally again and some pre scheduling, but know it doesn’t mean I’m okay. I’m just learning to live with this grief and friends have told me that going back to doing ordinary things will help distract and keep me moving, even through my sadness. I will not be making my grief into content because it’s too painful, but I will be pushing myself to do the things I used to.
“The hole never closes. Life just grows around it.”
I’m doing my best to show up for life, one moment at a time while helping my mom navigate her new chapter. My husband and my friends have supported me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. I’ve felt God’s comfort through their actions and I know they will help bring me back to life.
If I can encourage anything in the middle of this—it’s this: First, have the conversation now with the people you love so you know how to show up. Ask your closest friends, “When something tragic happens, how do you want me to show up for you?” And tell them what you’ll need, too. My friends knew how big this was to me losing my dad to come over immediately, constant check-ins, drop ins, food delivery, errands, and invitations without expectations. Painful chapters are part of every life, but we’re not meant to walk through them alone.
Second, if you’re ever debating whether you should reach out to someone grieving- an old friend or acquaintance, even if it’s been a while: do it. Your words don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. Even the smallest check-ins matter more than you know.
Thank you for being here and for the check-ins, prayers, and kindness. I will never forget it.
God is good, all the time.
I want to write just a little bit more on here because though my blog is public, there is something about this space (the blog) that is different than the rest. Those of you who have followed along know I have always felt this way.
This part of my life has been so difficult to share and I’ve taken a long time because of the shock, denial, and even still to this day I’m not quite grasping this has happened. As I go through a lot of the paperwork (there was a trust and my father was very prepared), every step of post death is a lot to go through and I’m doing it by myself (with my husband’s help and friends and family helping with other important tasks). Every step seems to keep the wound open because I am reminded of why I am going through this process.
It took me over 2 weeks to post on my personal Facebook account to let friends know because I knew it was important to let them know. I shared more about him on there, like personal things and it was more like a eulogy because most of these people knew us.
Then my IG posts came much later to let people know why I wasn’t making content (but not that anyone was really noticing but a few did and reached out). It can be a little scary when you have a large following and you’re wondering if you want to share it or keep something very private. I didn’t want to overly share the details or tell stories on IG, and here on the blog is where I just tell you where I’m at – thinking and feeling.
But for now, can I tell you a little bit about my dad? Even at 75 he opened the car doors and doors for my mom. He loved her so much, gave her everything she wanted, she was provided and cared for even after he has gone. He gave me lots of incredible life advice over the years. He was so funny I know I got his sense of humor of teasing and making jokes, he laughed and smiled all the time. Our CPA called him jovial and I thought that was the perfect word to describe my dad.
He gave his life to the Lord after being saved from lymphoma brain cancer at 52. He then served for 16 years as an usher with my mom to thank him and that became his life’s purpose. He couldn’t wait to get to heaven and I have video recordings of him saying it which I’m working on putting a video together for myself to bring me comfort. My dad really has been my favorite person I respected my entire life, his wisdom, smile and laughter. We had a similar sense of humor and I would always screenshot his face when he was laughing on FaceTime. I was pretty obsessed with my dad and I knew him passing away would be the biggest heartbreak of my life. But I choose to focus that I had that great of a father and even though I wish I could be older when I would have had to say goodbye (it was sudden so there was no goodbye and I don’t think one way of loosing a loved one is easier than the other), but I know no matter how old I would be I would never have been ready. He is the first person I’m looking for when I get to heaven.
Going through this process of grief has shown me so much, the depth of love I had for my dad, how much I am like my dad as I tackle this long list to help my mom, and also displayed my great friends who have stepped in to serve, check in on me and are the most thoughtful humans I have been blessed to have in my life. Going through such a difficult time also shows you who your real friends are. My best friend Meagan prepared me for this, as she lost her husband two years ago and she gave me some advice and it prepared my heart for what was to come in regards to giving grace to what might be said to you (I have realized people have good intentions and I default to focus on that no matter what is said, so I have not yet been offended by choice). And also regarding how people do show up might surprise you – I’ve had acquaintances text me that I am surprised to hear from who checked in on me more often than some I considered good friends! Then there are those who don’t say a thing which is shocking considering how I showed up for them when they had loss (they won’t read this so I can avoid sounding passive aggressive as that is not the way I want to ever show up), there is a lot to observe and learn here, but I have learned to focus on those who do show up, not those who do not. I have another friend who said the way people avoid talking about it/lack of showing up has nothing to do with you and more of how they deal with hardship or death too and to not take it personally, so that has helped. All I can say is I refuse for my heart to be bitter but it can divide the good from the rest and can show us who to focus on in the future. I choose to consider this a blessing.
My close friends checked in with me every day for a month whether it was a call or text. To some that might sound like a lot, but I don’t think so, especially when it’s your bestest friends who are like sisters to you. I had friends check in weekly with a phone call to chat with me until I got tired – even if it was hours. Food was a lifeline for us, we couldn’t even think about meals and friends came over to feed us even plating it for us as I sat in shock. Then the food delivery came. Flowers are so thoughtful, cards all of it whatever you feel comfortable.
It wasn’t expected as though I had to respond every time, but they let me know they were thinking of me and checking in and by asking a question allowed me to unload any and all feelings. It was checking in without expectations and not staying silent. That in my opinion is how your closest friends should – and there will be some who call weekly, or text weekly that’s totally fine but I wanted to share that to say, if you are afraid you are reminding your friend about what happened through you check-ins or overwhelming them, you’re not. Every day I wake up thinking how my dad is gone and a check-in text is not going to throw me over the edge, it comforts me. But only now you feel about your friendship can gauge that.
One more thing – when I was at the grocery store or Home Goods we look like a normal family shopping for sheets. But the week before my mom became a widow, I lost my dad and we’re just zoning out trying to make the house comfortable and buy some necessities. I noticed every person who was so kind to us and we’re walking around with tender hearts. How often have we gone through something terrible but we are out in public doing things with everyone else not knowing what our heart just went through? This has also made me even more aware we are all walking around with our own hardship so be kind, smile more often, and help each other out when you can. Pay compliments, we never know what others are going through.
This also changes what is a priority right now in life, and at the moment it’s my mom. While I navigate my grief, my friends continue to make plans with me because I cannot think, and they show up and I am so grateful. This has been truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.
God has shown up in so many ways through this to show He has prepared us for this. They are so deeply personal and incredible that it brings me a bit of comfort in the middle of this sadness. They are true signs that God exists and we are loved and cared for by Him even through the actions of others.
My dad was an incredible man, it was no wonder I wanted to marry someone like him and I successfully did. Having Benjamin around really helps in so many ways emotionally and I am grateful he is so intelligent like my father to help navigate the questions I have and he and my dad were very close too, in fact I am sure Benjamin was my dad’s favorite child – we discovered he was the screensaver on my dad’s cell phone as Buddy the Elf from last year. My dad loved the Lord and couldn’t wait to get to Heaven. I have a recording of him talking to me about it and I’m working on editing it during the times I want to listen to my dad’s voice and remind me he is where he couldn’t wait to be.
Thank you for being here, reading this and being here for not only the pretty images and stories as well as the hardship of life that we all experience. My dad always read my blog so I’m sad about my #1 fan being gone, but please be patient as I navigate where I’m at. I love being creative so my blogging and sharing will go on, eventually. There is so much to do right now. So many photos to frame, things to put away, sort through in my own personal life and trying to find way to feel like I’m living again instead of sitting grieving which I feel like I could honestly do for the rest of my life. But I know that’s not how we should live our lives and one day I will see my dad again in Heaven.
If you have any advice or encouragement, I do appreciate it. I’m trying to say thank you on social media it’s just taken me some time. If you are the praying kind, please pray for my mom, she’s been through a lot. A long time friend gently reminded me that as hard as his loss of his father was on him, he remembered it was harder on his mom. I appreciated that perspective because this loss is not just about me. xx
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