Your heart: It’s not about how others feel about you, it’s about how you feel toward others

Feelings. Relationships, they can give us all sorts of feels. Adulting – the misconception everything is easier but sometimes we find people can’t be adults, or they grow up into mean or unconsiderate ones – and then it makes us in return feel the bad feelings – mad, angry, bitter, or even bring out the worst in us, bad behavior all around! Or perhaps we get our heart broken with expectations we have – to be a good sibling, friend, human, but expectations always mean we are hurt in the end. But the cycle of pain can stop – with ourselves. Living our daily lives or going to bed with an angry or sad heart is not the state our hearts should be – ever. Maybe this will be a new year to let go and have a happy, healthy heart.

This also goes for those people we don’t even know – perhaps we’re envious of their feed or we haven’t talked to an old friend turned acquaintance for a while – whoever it is, any strange feelings you have towards anyone, let’s talk about that. I’ve lost friends due to social media – they saw things they didn’t like, who I worked with and opportunities I was given to cause a complete “see ya” on social media which broke my heart.

Of course this comes from personal experience. I recently spoke to my aunt who left me a sweetest voice message on my birthday. We caught up and I had to tell her that I don’t know much of what is going on with certain family members due to their own choices – to make a long story polite and short – but I truly wish them all well no hard feelings! That’s just one example, of many like friends unfriending you (a popular post I wrote).

Why you need to forgive that person

It’s not about what the other person did to you, intentionally – or unintentionally – hurt you. It doesn’t matter how someone, a friend, a stranger, family member, feels about you – it’s about how you feel about them. You can control your heart which controls your mind, and trust me, you want to control your heart because you live with that feeling every second for the rest of your life.

It doesn’t matter how someone, a friend, a stranger, family member, feels about you – it’s about how you feel about them. You can control your heart which controls your mind, and trust me, you want to control your heart because that’s what matters at the end of every day

That heart you go to bed with, the heart that speaks to your brain and words come out. Thoughts that consume your mind – what are they? Are they good or are they bad? Because in your heart, if it’s bitter, it consumes your mind, all day, and if not all day, enough moment to steal time away from things that are more important.

So if someone dislikes you, hurts you, trashes you or somehow creates a feeling of jealousy (read this post on how to kill jealousy) or anger, any of those bad feelings, how do we move past that and feel nothing toward them?

It’s so hard. Trust me it’s so hard to keep at peace. Remember I’ve had close longtime friends (plural!) unfriend/unfollow me, a younger brother who blocked me on iPhone and Facebook, and the list goes on – but I assure you, what is normal anymore? No family is, or lifetime.

I am a people pleaser, first born, love everyone and want everyone happy and to like me. I am a relationship lover – I pour my heart and soul – and time into friendships. When I find out someone doesn’t approve of me or like me that way, my feelings are super hurt. I feel rejected, a little angry, embarrassed, and insecure. Are you the same? These thoughts mean we are placing way too much value in someone else’s opinion and approval of us. Don’t let that rejection turn into anger or bitterness. I also value my friendships to the extreme – it’s not a bad thing but it can easily allow me to be disappointed when someone doesn’t remember, attend, or I support me, it’s my fault assuming people need to feel the same I do, or have the same values. I’ve learned instead of focusing on the one who has forgotten, or failed to show, I focus on the 2, 10, 20 who did remember or showed up. It’s not about the one that DIDN’T, it’s about the ones who DID.

 instead of focusing on the one who has forgotten, or failed to show, I focus on the 2, 10, 20 who did remember or showed up. It’s not about the one that DIDN’T, it’s about the ones who DID.

When someone has hurt you, forgive, even if they don’t ask for it. If you feel icky in your heart, anger, that weird tinge you gotta know it’s wrong. Sit with it and ask yourself, why do I feel this way? And keep digging deeper, why why why, then get to the root. Then you may find that it’s a selfish feeling, it’s about us and our comfort, our glory, our recognition, our expectations, pride, our acceptance.

If you are a Christian, let your love for Christ be greater than any hate/dislike you have toward anyone.

If you are a Christian – we have to have a side chat here. Whether from inside the church or in the world, the only advice I can give that I think about is – Let your love for Christ be greater than any hate/dislike you have toward anyone. The thought just popped into my head when I had to explain how I react toward people who have hurt me, are rude to me on the spot – this thought controls my reaction. Sometimes I do retaliate on impulse, but for the most part, I remember that I am a walking testament of the transformation Christ has done in me. Long gone is the old, put on the new and I have to display that to the world whether people know it or not. People are watching, remember that, and your purpose here – to give glory to God. Let them see something different in you. “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” – 1 Peter 2:12

“You cannot control the lies that people may speak about you, but you can control the truth…Live so that people have to make up stuff in order to accuse you.” – Rick Warren

Sometimes journaling helps, and some prayer requests. It’s nice to read old ones and see how things have worked out.

Remember:

• There are hurting people everywhere that hurt others. When I am hurt by someone it might be from their past pain that’s thrown at me.
• To never react in anger. This means not texting, calling, or speaking immediately. No unfriending, blocking, or reacting in general. Give it time.
• Don’t purposefully ignore to get back, it will only hurt yourself and create bitterness. Continue to celebrate them/others in a healthy way. Remember this is all about YOUR heart not theirs. Read this post on how to kill jealousy and bitterness.
• Just love. You are sad or hurt because you hoped for better, you respect people, friendship, a contract, a relationship, a promise. Stay loving, and hopeful! Love the broken, chances are that person who hurt you is broken, because happy people don’t hurt others.
• Take a deep breath and count to 3 before reacting. You may find that’s enough time to not react.
• Sometimes we don’t need to express our feelings to someone to feel better. Instead don’t respond until you have something kind to say (I have amazing gfs who told me to do this) that has nothing to do with you. Leave it up to that person to apologize if they will – and they may not.
• Never be upset at a child – even if the child belongs to someone you maybe don’t care for. A child is a child, completely innocent and every single one deserves to be loved and supported. Don’t carry 0n hate toward an innocent tiny human.
• Always search your heart – dig deep, question your thoughts, reaction and how you can resolve it. Then do your part and move on.
• We can’t control others. We know this, but we want to, which is why it hurts.
• When people show you who they are, let them.
• Care. I did barter work for this guy who then refused to keep his end of the deal up after I spent weeks on my end. He had a broken heart, the girl I did he work for didn’t like him back. A friend unfollowed me, she had just had a baby and had postpartum body issues. My heart broke for both situations, if you can see how someone’s action is caused by another reaction and find compassion it will help you with forgiveness.
• Let my love for Christ be greater than any dislike I have toward anyone, if you are a Christian.
• Sometimes God really does remove people from your life for a reason.

Allow yourself to feel for a bit. If you’re angry, it’s fine to feel it for a while, but it’s when time has gone by that you need to make sure you don’t live with that anymore – share it with a friend and have them check in on you in a week or two on how you are doing.

There are times to be upset, mad, and it happens but when it sits for too long, that’s when you need to try to address your thoughts so you don’t let the situation control you any longer. You may not be able to make someone fulfill their commitment, or give you a response, but let it go. At the end of the day give yourself applause and a hug for loving, being graceful, and allowing people to fail you because we are all broken.

We’ve all had to forgive, what did you have to do to let it go? Let’s chat and help each other out for those land on this page. xx 

Photography by Melissa Schollaert