Choosing a life without Kids

choosing-life-without-kidsSomewhere along the Canal du Midi in France

**Read the update post here.**

I have a confession to make.  I am one of the few girls while growing up, never, ever said, “When I grow up, I want to be a mom.”  I thought that phrase was kinda strange, something universal that would just happen like, “I just want to get married,” or “I will die one day.”  It was just something that you would do, but didn’t need to profess as a life goal.

I was a pretty crazy ambitious teen growing up – lots of those good positions for the college resume, leadership positions, activities, yearbook page number reference by my name, you know.  My priority was having an awesome career, then settle down (but not until I was 29 because I wanted my 20’s to myself to have fun, explore and have an awesome career), and children I guess when they would come because that’s the grown up thing you just had to do.

The older I became I began to realize just how hard it is to select your spouse (and yes girls, you get to choose back so make a good decision!), and now that life is cushy and enjoyable with a great career, nice home, my Mr. Wonderful, and two bunnies, and a baby shower invite almost every other month for the past five years, I’m asking myself, So, do we have to do the next thing everyone else is doing?

We, I have more complications that I’ve known about since I was 15, maybe one day I’ll feel like writing a post on it but the meanwhile, it’s not something we can’t overcome, and that still wouldn’t prevent us from still wanting to start a family by various methods.  So money isn’t the issue, the desire is the issue.  I can’t help but admit at times I feel like I’d be a bad human for not being a mom – is it normal and OK to not have that desire?

Then I came across this video.  If you can’t see it, click here.

Women who don’t have children spend 60% more time abroad – yes please!

I’m convinced because Mr. Wonderful and I don’t have children that we’re able to love on others more right now.  I LOVE being Auntie!  Our friends were visiting and they noticed Benjamin answered a question so patiently and thoroughly – laughing at their response they typically give.  Since we aren’t asked 50 billion questions every day and it’s pretty quiet around here, I guess that helps.

I had a friend I met up with and she said, “Aren’t you afraid of being an old mom?”  Um, news flash, as another friend said to me, “You’ll always be old to your kids.”  People worry about the strangest things, don’t they?

Of course this post isn’t an announcement written in blood as we are still young, but official to declare, I’m perfectly fine where we are in life and to not have that desire to have a family.  I guess I’m starting to understand that when those little girls were saying, “I just want to be a mom,” is the same as me saying, “I just want to travel the world.”  It’s a desire of your heart and priorities and everyone can have different priorities in life and that’s more than OK because you wake up every day living your own life.  But, if God changes my heart, it’ll be very apparent, so I just hang out and do other things I feel like the Lord is calling me to do, and be.

Anyone else out there who doesn’t know if they want children?  Have you ever thought you wanted something only to change your mind?  Or what about the other typical life stuff – like owning a home, getting married, the things that most people do that seems “normal”?  What are your thoughts on societal pressures?

Diana Elizabeth is an author, photographer, and obsessive thrift shopper. You can typically find her in the garden wrist deep in dirt, at a local estate sale or planning her next epic party. She continues to blog weekly.


  • Heather (Where's the Beach)

    Gosh I love this. You don’t see very many women admit that they just don’t want kids. People always assume that I can’t have kids for some reason or they don’t understand what I’m waiting for. I just don’t have that desire, not urge, no maternal clock ticking away. I have friends who say, just have one at least. Um, why? Just because that’s what society expects of me as a married woman? And others act like they feel sorry for me. Thank you for sharing this.

    • Diana Elizabeth

      Hi Heather! Ah, the just have one solution. Or the question that isn’t prepared for the answer, “We don’t think we want children.” Which really means they weren’t asking, “So ARE you guys thinking about having children?” they really were meaning to ask, “So WHEN are you guys going to have children?” ;)

  • Judy

    Di, I loved reading this candid post. I actually have a one year old’s birthday this weekend and just attended one not too long ago. I see more and more pictures of babies from my loved ones filling up the feed on my Facebook and get the privilege to hear my mother mention wanting a grandchild from time to time.
    I too have never thought “I want to be a mom” or “I can’t wait to be a mom”. From time to time, I wonder if that will change for me or if I will go against the grain and choose a different path- against my mother’s wishes. Being 30, I see a lot of women around me start to yearn for a family and truly share in joy with them when that time comes. I adore my friend’s kids. Who’s to say what the ‘norm’ is? I think as women we can all respect each other and the choices we each make- whether that mean having children or not.
    Great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts! XoXo

    • Diana Elizabeth

      Hi Judy, giggling at the privilege part ;) Oh, the questions you get especially once you get married, “So, when are you going to have kids?” naturally comes next. Then the horror when you say that you aren’t in a hurry, or you’re not sure if you want to. Going against the grain just means you are listening to your heart. Since we are both creatives, you know that if our heart isn’t it it, we don’t produce something we are proud of, and life is just the same. So it’s OK to wait, or change your mind later. And forget about the age, it’s still SO young, I have friends who had babies at 40. NBD. :)

  • Angela

    First, let me say that I admire the sheer bravery of putting your feelings out there to such a wide audience…..most bloggers might fear the comments that may follow. But, then, this is what I admired about you the very first time we met! You are a gift from God to the world, and he makes no mistakes.
    Second, from a mother, and grandmother who is working everyday on a second marriage, and lastly from a woman who has watched her children struggle with divorces involving children…there are no RIGHT choices. Children are a blessing, everyday, in every way, but what I know for sure is that their lives will inevitably be better when their parents are ready and willing to have them and raise them, together. Enjoy your travels, your quiet time, your love affair with your husband, and let life (and maybe someday kids, should you decide) just happen. Love you!

    • Diana Elizabeth

      I have always appreciated your support Ang, you are the wise, encouraging, life experienced woman that I hope to be one day. I also love that you know life isn’t perfect, but you accept it. You are right on – one must be ready and willing. :) For now, I enjoy it and am of course open to anything God has for me. Love you!

  • Karla

    Diana, I was in the same path as you as never wanting to have a child in my life. I liked my life. After awhile, at 32, I fantisized about having a baby and my husband did too. I knew it was the right time because we were both on the same page at the same time. We had some struggles along the way and now have a beautiful boy. Although, when people question about having kids and they are not sure they want them or not, I tell them it is absolutely okay. They change your life completely.

    • Diana Elizabeth

      Hi Karla, thanks for sharing your story about the change, I know that maybe one day that will happen, and that would be such a wonderful feeling also peacefully solidifying for such a big decision. I know we are both waiting for that to happen so we know it’s definitely right :) Congratulations on your beautiful boy! xx

  • Becky

    Amen sister!!!

    Sometimes I wonder if one day I’ll wake up and have that want/need feeling towards having a baby . . .but now in my 33rd year of living, I have yet to feel that. But, in my line of work, I sadly see old people (with tons of moola unfortunately) die alone because they had no children and no one to help take care of them. Like, they end up alone in nursing homes and have to hire people to take them to dentists appts, etc. I don’t want to be alone when I’m old, so thinking about that makes me sad, but is that kind of sadness a good reason to have a baby??? I don’t think so . . .but who knows.
    I LOVE YOU and LOVE that you wrote about this topic . . .I suppose I spend just as much time thinking about how I DON’T want children as the women who actually want them think about having them . . .
    I have a lunch date tomorrow with a guy I met at the River Cats game last weekend . . .he “seems” normal . .. and he sells insurance, not drugs! Yay! LOL!!! And he’s only 37! I’ll let you know how it goes. I hope France is wonderful for you!

    • Diana Elizabeth

      Hi Bex! I told a gf, “What if I am dead in my backyard for two weeks and no one knows?” And she laughed and said, “That could still happen if you had kids.” And that brings up a point that I’ve made, all the wrong reasons to have children – no guarantee. I also am reminded that dying is something that will happen, and the exit out in a big way doesn’t mean one had a bad life or it was not full of amazing things. If I have enough money to hire someone to take care of me when I’m old but I have a great life of having seen the world, I’d much rather do that than force myself unwillingly to do something that my heart isn’t in to and have a long life of gray hairs and brokenness. Such a serious decision isn’t it? But, I know children are a blessing and I have many little ones to love on meanwhile (without the commitment). I love seeing families and different stages of life, such a unique thing, each to their own calling or circumstance, but still living life fully as they see it :) And um, update me on the date. LOL on the selling insurance. See you next month! xx

  • Mailinh

    I’m right there with you, Diana. I think sometimes we have those thoughts or the pressure of thinking about them because of society. The key is not letting those societal pressures/influences get to you because they can bring you down in a way. I was there feeling the pressure of it and was doubting where I was in life; however, I now realize, what I really want and that it’s okay to not “conform” to the pressures of society.

    P.S. I hope France is treating you nicely. ;)

    • Diana Elizabeth

      Hi M! It can sometimes make you feel behind, or like you haven’t found the missing puzzle piece. France was lovely, thank you for following along. I wish I was still there, but it is also nice to be home :)


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